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Kiwi19 Asks:

OK, help. I have some very good friends, and I do trust them, but I'm afraid I just don't trust them enough. I'm an 18 yr old girl and I guess maybe this could go all the way back to junior school (about age 8). I had some good friends there but they turned round occasionally used me as a bit of light entertainment: ignoring me, teasing, that kind of thing. Nothing too serious, but I just let them. I never gave them any reason (I firmly believe that under any circumstances you should keep your cool, not retaliate or give cause for people to act badly to you, that way you can walk away knowing you're not necessarily to blame) but I don't know whether I should have kept going back to them with a kind of naive trust/hoping.

I only mention it because it appears to be a recurring pattern in later life; it doesn't exactly still plague me or anything!! (For one I know where they've all ended up, and I'm so glad we went our separate ways before secondary school!) I started the new school with some confidence, and made friends pretty easily, but I've always had this fear that maybe my friendships will turn around suddenly. I know my friends are good people, I love them dearly, and I know they trust me whole-heartedly, but everytime I start to trust someone there are doubts.

Fairly recently I became especially close with one friend, we supposedly trusted each other totally, but after months she turned out to be very deceitful, and incredibly different to the person I took her to be. I'm not normally a bad judge of character, my friends rely on me for that sometimes, but I feel like I was totally taken for a ride. I honestly believe that this is because I was too eager to have that kind of close, intimate trusting relationship with someone. Does that sound too weird? Now I am fairly confident with my friendships (like I said, they are very good people) but as soon as someone says 'she's lying' or 'she can't be trusted' I feel I'm not there to back them up straight away, even if I'm sure they're innocent, because I'm too scared that the other person will be right, and I'll look a naive fool once again.

Does this make me a really bad friend? I know I'm always there for my friends in every other way. I love them so much, but is it all worthless if I'm too screwed up to really trust someone back? God, I hate this, am I really incapable of that kind of intimacy again? Please give me your views; I don't like feeling like I'm not there for the people I care about. Do you think these feeling will last? Thank you for your time.

Blushgirl Says:

Learning to trust is very difficult under the best of circumstances, but it is even more difficult when we have been hurt by friends as you have. Having said that, I must tell you I think you are doing beautifully! It is wonderful how you turned this around and didnt let it stop you from making new friends you dearly love. You should be patting yourself on the back instead of beating yourself up because you are not perfect. None of us are, and it will take you some time to be able to trust people fully. You are on the right track though, and you have come very far on your own. You are a wise and insightful individual!

One thing you need to do immediately is let go of the past. Do not put thoughts and doubts into your mind about what you should or shouldnt have done. The past is gone, and everything that has happened to you has brought you to where you are now, and formed you into the person you have become. Even negative things you have experienced have helped you along the way. That is how we learn and grow. I bet if you really think about it, you would have to agree that these negative experiences have made you stronger, equipping you with the necessary skills needed to deal with lifes little problems that come your way.

Let go of your fear. You will never be able to control what other people do, so just decide now how you will react to these situations that will come up from time to time. People betray friends for reasons you and I may never understand. For some, insecurities take over and lead them to do things that are not right. Your recent experience with the friend who turned out to be what you didnt expect is a good example. You may never know why this person did what she did, but you must know in your heart that even if only for a short while, you touched this soul in a positive way. She knows deep down, that you were a true friend and that she was not. She may not be able to face that now, but in years to come she will gain strength from her friendship with you, no matter how brief it was. Trust in that.

Life is confusing and a mixed bag at times. All you can ever do is be the best friend you can to those that are in your life now. Some will come and some will go, but know in your heart that you have touched these people in a positive way. You are planting the seeds of compassion in each of their hearts. Some of these seeds will sprout and reach for the sun immediately. Some however will lay dormant until that individual needs it to guide their way. Then they will see you as you really were; a friend who loved them no matter what, and trusted them when they didnt deserve that trust. This will make them sad at how they treated you, but it will make them stronger too. It will guide how they treat others in the future.

To sum up, there is only one person in life you can put all your trust in, and that is yourself. Trust that you are doing the right thing. Be there for your friends with all your heart. Trust that they will do the right thing by you, but if not, know that your friendship touched them in a special way. Thank you for writing, and good luck with your friendships! - Kelly

Kelly Jones, better known as blushgirl has been in the online dating scene since 1996. Her experience in the field helps her answer questions on romance and relationships for her site visitors, and allows her to meticulously review dating and matchmaking sites. If you would like to reach Kelly, please visit her at: http://www.blushpersonals.com.791. silver convention - tangerine
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